


Petals in the Snow

by shelovestoship



Category: Magnum P.I. (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, I'm at least writing again which I guess is good, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this though, I'm so excited for season 3 though, Life is hard, Miscarriage, Not a Christmas fic but it starts with X-mas, TTC, but you know me, current mood: why is everything so depressing?, it's really weird, sucker for a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:15:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27880598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shelovestoship/pseuds/shelovestoship
Summary: And for that moment everything was perfect and there was nothing but possibilities.Magnum and Higgy are trying for a baby.Angsty.(Triggers; miscarriage.)
Relationships: Juliet Higgins/Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV
Comments: 35
Kudos: 90





	1. Waiting Game

**Author's Note:**

> This starts around Christmas but it’s not very holiday-ish.  
> A mix of my friend venting anxiety about TTC, a fanfic I really like, my current mini-depression as well as my general love of putting our faves through hell.

## One

## \- Waiting Game -

“It’s better to wait,” she said and he wondered if she was telling the truth or just avoiding. Not wanting to get her hopes up but clearly unable not to.

“I thought you were supposed to be able to take the tests like ten days after or something,” he said, frowning at her as he studied their yet to be decorated recycled plastic tree. “In fact didn’t you say last time you were never late and-”

“Well, I was that time, clearly,” she snapped, clearly still upset about it. He was too, a little, but not as much as her. He actually got the feeling she saw it as a personal failing and he had no idea how to make her see it was _not_. “So we wait, okay?”

“Alright,” he agreed, even though he didn’t want to wait. He wanted to either stop hoping or be wildly, ecstatically happy. “How about Christmas morning?”

“The day after,” she said, reaching into the box for a blue and silver ornament. 

The main house and the rest of the guest house were all decked out for the holidays, had been for weeks. But she’d insisted on waiting to decorate their tree until the 20th. _An old family tradition,_ she’d said, _maybe it could be ours now._

“Come on,” he said, pulling her close to him. “It’s either good news or not. Wouldn’t you rather know?”

She turned in his arms. “In this one instance, no.”

“If it’s negative, there will be another chance next month.” He assured her and smiled. “Besides, it’s not like the trying isn’t fun!“

She rolled her eyes and started to turn away, but he tugged her back and leaned down to kiss her. For a second she tensed then pressed closer to him, kissing him back. 

And for that moment everything was perfect and there was nothing but possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so close to show time!!  
> (Also 3x06 looks like it's going to be a McGuyver crossover, that's gonna be so fun!)


	2. Ridiculous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, nothing can beat the 3x01 of Higgy in the hospital but I feel if Magnum had her go when she wasn't bleeding out, this would be very accurate.

##  Two 

##  \- Ridiculous-

“You do realize that if I am pregnant, the clump of cells is about the size of an apple seed at this point?” she said as they waited. “There is absolutely nothing a doctor could do for it.”

“Juliet, you were just pushed out a second-story window by an evil Santa Klaus,” he said, sounding way too worried. “We’re here to check that  _ you  _ are alright.”

“It was one and a half storeys, and I’m perfectly fine.” She crossed her arms but winced as she did so, so the effect wasn’t quite what she’d hoped for. But she was fine, there had been no need for him to take her. But she knew why he had... “You just wanted to come here so you could ask them to my run a blood test to see if-”

“That’s not why,” he said, sounding like she was the one acting irrational. “Besides, you were the one who asked them to run it!”

“Because a blood test is much more accurate,” she spat back. Of course, she was going to have them check. Now that they were here. And he so desperately wanted to know. “And you were the one who wanted to know for Christmas!”

“I wanted to make sure you were fine, that you didn’t have a concussion or broken ribs or something,” he said, looking rather confused. Like he didn’t see how it was all his fault that she’d asked for them to run the test!

“Other than being stuck in an ER on Christmas eve’s day, I’m fine,” she said again as the curtains were pulled by a frazzled grumpy faced doctor.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” the doctor said, checking the chart he held. “So you’re the pregnant lady who fell out of a window?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! Why do I love all the first episodes of each season so much! Like 1x01, 2x02 and now 3x01 are all in my top six of best episodes! 
> 
> Seriously, I'm getting a T-shirt that says 'Jolly Good' because that was just the most Higgings moment ever and I loved it so much I've been going around saying Jolly Good and smiling like a Duffus (legit, this ep. might have cured my depression!). And high Higgy eating Jell-O! That was precious!


	3. Lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this before watching 301 and weirdly because I've been writing Marriage of Inconvenience and its sequel, sometimes it feels like Magnum and Juliet have already gotten together in my head. Like it's already canon. Then I actually watch the show and remember that even though I write them as an established couple A Lot, they are in fact Not. Weird. Which makes this story feel strange because this is so not where we are at in the show.

##  Three 

##  \- Lily -

“Juliet?” he mumbled as he woke up, reached out, and found she wasn’t there. But she was, he realized as he blinked and came more awake, just not next to him anymore.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed, back to him, knees up. He could just about see her the outline of her spine, shoulder blades and the bruise from her fall almost two weeks earlier. It made her look more breakable than he knew she was, vulnerable almost. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up and moving a little towards her. “Is something wrong with the-”

“No. Nothing like that,” she said, twisting slightly to look at him. He noticed she had her necklace clenched in her hand. What once had been Richard’s necklace. But it wasn’t anymore, or Magnum supposed it still was but it had an addition to it now. One from him. “It’s January 4th.”

“What’s January 4th?” he said, trying to think if it was something he was supposed to remember. 

“My sister’s birthday,” she said, looking away again. 

“Oh.” 

While they’d never talked about her family, there had been one picture in her bedroom of what had to have been her family. Mom, dad, two round-faced blonde girls. The picture had disappeared shortly after he’d begun to spend more time in there so he’d assumed that meant she didn’t want to talk about it.

“She’d have been twenty-nine,” she said, softly. “Twenty-nine...”

“How old was she...” He didn’t have to finish the sentence.

“Fourteen,” she said. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Her name was Lily.” She let the necklace go; gold and the stainless steel glinting in the faint moonlight poking through the curtains. “I was always envious of that. That she was named after a flower.”

He wasn’t sure what to say to that, so instead, he just pulled her to him, hugging her tightly. 

“Do you think...” she mumbled, face against his neck. 

He pulled away so he could see her eyes. “Do I think what?” 

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “It’s just a pretty name.”

He nodded, realizing where she was going with it. “It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the addition to Higgin’s necklace is Magnum’s military dog-tags. Even if I’m sure they probably took them in the POW camp(?) and we haven’t seen Magnum wear his or anything, IDK, I just feel like him giving her his tags would be more romantic than any store-bought jewelry. 


	4. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, re-reading and editing this feels weird. I'm in such a different headspace compared to like just 3 days ago!

* * *

## Four

## \- Cold -

“I’m going to stay here and do some more research,” she said, tapping away at her keyboard. “You go check it out.”

“Alright,” he said, giving her his best grin. “I’ll call you if I find something.”

She nodded, tried to smile back, but didn’t quite manage it. She didn’t feel good. Hadn’t all day. But she figured as long as she didn’t really acknowledge it, it wasn’t a problem. It would go away. 

That was how she dealt with having a cold last year and the flu the year before. 

Except this didn’t feel like the flu. She supposed maybe that was a good thing. Neither was she coughing or anything like that. She just didn’t feel _good_. She felt stiff and nauseous, which she chalked up to hormones. 

Or she wanted to. 

This wasn’t a morning sickness kind of sick though.

And she felt cold. Odd. Because, well, Hawaii. Cold was rarely a word she used to describe her body temperature.

* * *

“Are you alright Juliet?” Kumu asked coming into the kitchen.“I thought I heard glass breaking-”

“I don’t... I don't know,” Juliet said as she leaned against the kitchen counter, feeling woozy. A sharp pain had just hit her in the lower right side of her stomach. And while she’d felt worse physical pain, she knew what this pain had to mean, and that changed it… made it something much deeper. It made it cut as sharp as a knife. 

“Sit down.” Kumu hurried over, putting a hand on her arm and then her forehead. “You’re burning up.”

“I need my phone,” she said. She needed to call a doctor. Someone to tell her how to _fix it_. Stop it. But there was no use. Not at nine weeks. Still, maybe there was _something_.

Kumu brought her phone to her, Juliet wasn’t sure where the other woman found it. Couldn’t remember when she’d seen it last.

“ _Cramping and nausea_ ,” the woman on the other side of the 991 call said, _“That does sound like **just** a miscarriage_.”

“Just?” she echoed.

“It’s very common in the first trimester, bleeding will be heavier than a normal mens...”

She hung up the phone.

“I’m calling Magnum,” Kumu said, putting her hand back on Juliet's forehead. “You’re as white as a sheet.” She stopped. “I didn’t mean to listen in. But I’m sorry.”

Juliet nodded and stood, feeling wobbly, needing to be alone.


	5. Seconds/Hours

## Five

## \- Seconds/Hours -

“Where is she?” he asked when he found only Kumu in Juliet’s study. 

“She went upstairs,” she said kindly. "She said she wanted to be alone"

Magnum only gave her a nod before rushing up to Juliet’s - their - bedroom. 

He could hear the water running in the ensuite bathroom. The door was closed but it not locked.

“Juliet?” he said, giving her a second before rushing in. 

She was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, under the shower, water beating down on her. 

“Hey,” he said, losing his shoes but not bothering with the rest of his clothes as he opened the shower door to kneel next to her.

“I'm sorry,” she said, looking up at him with dilated pupils. Pain did that sometimes, due to the adrenaline. "I don't know what I did wrong."

“You didn't do anything wrong. Come on,” he grabbed her shoulders to help her up. “The water isn’t warm anymore.” 

“It’s not?” she asked as she stood, seeming surprised. Then her eyes rolled back and she’d have fallen on the hard tile if he hadn’t caught her.

* * *

Time never moved any slower than in an ER waiting room. Magnum generally being the one who was in surgery or recovery hadn’t really ever noticed that earlier. But it was clear to him now.

It had only been an hour since they arrived and Juliet was wheeled away and he left to wait, he felt like ten hours had gone by. At the very least. And no one would tell him anything. 

“You okay?” asked a plump elderly woman who was sitting next to him.

“Not really,” he said. 

“Well, I’m sure they’ll get to you in time,” she said. “I’m waiting for my husband. He fell and hit his head trying to clean the fan. He said I didn’t need to stay and wait for him, you know how it is.” 

“Yes.” He nodded. “I’m waiting for my...” _girlfriend_ didn’t seem like a strong enough word. “Partner.”

“What’s wrong with her then? Or him? I don’t judge.”

“I think she's having… she’s pregnant,” he said, even though he didn’t really want to talk about it. “Something went wrong. I don’t know. She was in pain and then she passed out.”

She'd been burning up too. That didn't seem normal. But what was normal? He didn't know. Them taking her away, it taking this long, it made him terrified it was something else. That it wasn't just the baby. That something was really wrong with Juliet. Because he'd seen her take a bullet and keep going. Multiple times. Pain was something she could handle. But earlier she'd passed out. And she hadn't woken up on the way to the hopsital. That was bad. 

“That’s terrible.” The woman patted his arm sympathetically. “How far along?”

“What?”

“Your partner’s pregnancy,” she clarified.

“Nine weeks, I think.” He added the _think_ even though he knew. Nine weeks and two days. Size of kumquat, according to the app on his phone. He’d had to ask a guy at the store to point him to the kumquats to figure out just how big - or small, actually - that was. 

“Well I hope she’s alright,” she said kindly. “I’ll pray for her. Them.”

“That’s very kind,” Magnum said.

“Mr. Magnum?” a nurse said and he got up, then turned to nod his thanks to the old woman but found she’d disappeared.

The nurse told him they were taking Juliet to surgery and nothing else.

Rick and TC showed up.

They asked what was wrong, but he had no answer for them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this whole 'Magnum in the waiting room' is kind of what I also think he'd be feeling during 3x01 when she's in surgery. I did however write this before Friday...just saying. 
> 
> (The nice little old lady is a remnant from when this was a happier Christmas fic but I thought it was a sweet little interaction so I kept it.)  
> (Also, yes, clearly something other than a 'normal' miscarriage is going on.)


	6. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As for the 'just imidate family', I actually think that’s how hospitals work? Unless you can actually show you are married or related? IDK, it’s this weird nurse’s take on the privacy policy anyway.

## SIX

## \- Family -

“I’m sorry, I can’t give you any further information,” a nurse said, her tone clipped. “All I can tell you is that she’s out of surgery and in recovery. Unless your immediate family has to come back tomorrow for when visiting hours start.”

“She is _family_.” 

“Immediate family means married spouses and close blood relatives. You are not either of those.”

“Fine,” he said, knowing this type of nurse and that there was no way around her. 

And that he was going to have a talk with Juliet about putting him as her emergency contact. Because no way was he going to have this happen again. Or they could just get married, even though that had gone rather oddly the first time they’d tried it...

“I’ll come back in the morning.” 

That was of course not what he was doing, but she had to think he was giving up so he could sneak past her and find the information he needed… 

* * *

“Juliet,” he whispered, touching her shoulder gently to make her wake up.

He figured that was safe enough because she wasn’t hooked to anything. Well, other than an IV. No monitors, no tubes, no breathing mask. He knew enough to know that meant she was pretty alright. Of course she was. She was Juliet Higgins.

Except… he flashed back to her just falling unconscious into his arms in the shower. How still she’d been.

As much as she pretended, and he too, that she was invincible, she wasn't.

“Higgy,” he said again as her eyes fluttered open. “Come on girl. There you are.”

She blinked at him, then glanced around the dark hospital room. He’d opted to not turn the main light on, so only a dim light under the window and by the door illuminated the space. 

“What?” she said, her voice a little scratchy. “Where?”

“The hospital,” he said, sitting down on her bed. 

She glanced around. “What time is it?”

“Late.”

She nodded then frowned. “Thomas, did you sneak in here?”

“They wouldn’t let me see you,” he said, not in the least apologetic.

She said nothing about that, her expression suddenly changing as her hand went to her stomach. She looked at him and he felt the strangest sensation. It took him a moment to realize it was helplessness. 

Because there was nothing for him to do, say, to soothe her fear. To make it okay. Nothing to try, no way to change it.

“I don’t know,” he said, just as the door opened and a doctor came in.

“Visiting hours are over,” the doctor said, but didn’t sound too bothered by it. She came over to them and looked to Juliet. “You're awake. Good. How’ you feeling?”

Juliet swallowed and surprised him by saying, “Fine.”

Then again, she wouldn’t tell the doctor the truth. Not about her physical pain and certainly not about the heartache he knew she was feeling. 

The doctor grabbed her chart from the end of the bed. “Right. Well, that’s good. Fever is gone, blood pressure is up. Looks good.”

“Is the...” Juliet began but she couldn’t get the words out.

“The what?”

“She wants to know about the baby,” he clarified for her, putting his hand on Juliet’s.

“Baby?” The doctor looked up from the chart, then back down with a frown. He felt his own forehead mirror the docs, because had told the doctors Juliet was pregnant, down when he brought her into the ER. “It’s not in the records. But as long as your fetus wasn’t implanted in your appendix it should still be there.” 

Juliet drew a surprised breath. Maybe he did too. 

The doctor seemed to realize she’d maybe not said the most appropriate thing and added, “I guess no one talked to you about why you just had surgery?”

“No, I just woke up,” Juliet sat up a little, looking at the doctor with a strange expression. “So you’re saying I didn’t have a miscarriage?”

“No, yes?” the doctor said. “You had appendicitis. We took your appendix out and you should be able to go home in the morning.”

“What about..?” She put her hand on her stomach.

“Barring further complications I don’t see how this minimally invasive surgery would cause any problems for your pregnancy.” She tilted her head. “How far along are you?”

“Nine weeks.”

“Alright,” she said, then turned to leave. When she got to the door she hastily added a, “I’ll be right back.”

* * *

"There you go," the doctor said. "Heartbeat. Still got a baby on board."

"It's so fast," he said, marveling at the low but very quick ' _tump_ - _THUMP_ - _thump_ - _THUMP -thump'_ ultrasound machine-made.

"Well, you said you're about nine weeks," the doctor said. "I'd say that's right, if I remember it correctly that's about the fastest the heart rate is gonna get. It'll decelerate over the coming weeks."

Juliet said nothing. Just stared at the monitor. Which wasn't nearly as fascinating as the _thump-thump_. It was just grey and black and he wasn't sure he could see anything that resembled a baby on there.

"The head is here but it's an awkward angle." She pointed at a place on the screen before she took the probe thing of Juliet's still basically flat stomach. He still, even with the heartbeat, it seemed unreal that there was a tiny-tiny baby inside of her. Not just a baby. Their baby. "I'm not really very good at ultrasounds. They'll get you pictures and stuff at the OBYN when you go for the next check-up probably."

“Thanks,” he told the doctor who shut off the machine and shrugged. "No probs. You okay? You need a tissue?"

"Fine," Juliet said and it was only then Magnum realized she was crying. He'd never seen her cry, well, not like this at least, big quiet tears trailing down her face.

"Okay," the doctor said, not sounding like she bought that for a second. Then clearly deciding she'd had enough of them, added, "I'll leave you two alone."

She went, exiting the room and turning the overlight light off again as she did.

“I thought,” Juliet said, smiling even as she wiped at her eyes. “I was so...”

Magnum squeezed her free hand, not sure what to feel. 

Happy for sure. Elated maybe. But today had been terrifying for him in a different way than it had been for her.

Because while he was fairly sure what Juliet had been worried about losing today was the baby. 

But he’d held her pale unconscious body in his arms, terrified he’d lose _her_. That she’d die.

And now she was fine. Not only was she fine - the baby was too. He was almost worried he'd wake up, back in the waiting room, having dreamt this, it seemed just too good.

“Juliet,” he said, “I love you.”

“I know,” she said, still smiling, she whispered to herself, “ _Appendicitis_...”

“No,” he said, not sure how to make her understand this _I love you_ was different. Somehow more than the ones that had come before. “I mean...” _you’re my world and suddenly there is nothing more terrifying to me than the idea of life without you_. 

Then again, that was hardly news, was it. As much as he'd just understood it, he'd felt that way for years.

“I know what you mean,” she said, smiling at him in such a happy and unguarded way, it took his breath away.

.

.

.

**End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No more depression for me, meant this was the only possible way for this to go. Did I make it happier and sappier than intended, yes. Am I sorry? Not at all.


End file.
